Hi. I'm Allie.

If you're struggle with Midlife, like me, definitely read this post. In my first post on Substack I'd like to introduce myself - the good girl, the bad decisions and the ugly fall out.

My First Post on Substack

I won’t lie, I’ve written and erased this momentous post at least 11 times.  

The first disastrous draft came across as a rant about my Midlife Crisis.  I erased that one since I don’t want to come across as a whiner.

The second draft was a more upbeat take on life at 52 and how I’m doing life “my way”.  This one was deleted even faster than the first one since it’s an all out lie.

The third draft, well, read like the author’s biography at the end of a novel.  I read it back to myself and was bored out of my mind.

I’ll save you the turmoil of me recapping the last 8 drafts.

Let’s start fresh.

Or at least with the 12th and final draft...

I’m Allie

I’ve recently become obsessed with everything Midlife. 

I used to be obsessed with hiking and full-time RV travel but 4 months ago those topics became mute in my life after I lost everything when I left my 4 year old toxic relationship with a man I now feel may be a narcissist.  

Before My Midlife Downfall

Suburbia Years

I graduated from UCSD in 1995.  Got married at 22, had my first son at 26 and the second at 28. 

We had a cute little house in suburbia.  I volunteered with scouts and my kids’ school.  Hung out with other couples with kids our age.  And I even played Bunco a few times while drinking some bougie red wine I thought made me refined. 

Honestly, I hated my life.  I tried to convince my now ex-husband we should sell it all, buy an RV and live out on the road teaching the kids as we traveled.  He almost agreed but in the end was worried about income.  That was a valid argument and I agreed.  We stayed where we were to raise our 2 kids.  

I didn’t realize it at the time but I was not cut out for suburban life.  Some are and I envy those people but my heart (I realized in my late 40s) was wild and wanted to live in the dirt where things are not manicured. 

But I stuck it out, I tried to be the best mom for my kids and give them the life I never had.  

Like many couples these days my marriage ended in divorce.  I loved being married (and having children).  I’m a one best friend type of person and my husband was that person, at least that’s what I hoped.  But our relationship didn’t work and ended in 2015.  We tortured each other for 19 whole years. (No, we weren’t physically abusive to each other but I’m surprised we both made it that far mentally.)

I got the house and he kept the orange-striped Camaro.  I think we were both going through some sorta Midlife Crisis but mine didn’t make an appearance for a few more years.

The RV Years

Fast forward to 2019.  Life has been a struggle but I’m doing pretty damn good.  

I sold the home, became an empty-nester, was single, and had a decently paying remote job. I literally was going to start living the life I always dreamed of.

Then I lost said remote job but had enough saved to buy a used RV and live off the rest for a few years.  In early 2020 I began to solo RV travel the United States. 

At 48 I was truly happy.  

But looking back, 2020 was the beginning of my downfall.  

That’s also the year I met him.

4 years later everything I worked so hard for - my RV, my savings, my income and my physical and mental well being - are all GONE.

Today : Living with Mom

Circumstances beyond my control mixed with my horrific decision making for 4 years has me now with $27 in my checking account, unemployed and living with my 78 year old mom.  

Some say there’s no such thing as a Midlife Crisis.  I used to believe that too.  It’s not a crisis, you just need to pivot or roll with it.  “Just get a better job or make better decisions” I would think.  Then it happened to me.

Bad decisions based on the idea that I missed out on life when I was younger, mixed with a dose of perimenopausal hormone fluctuations and a manipulative, narcissist boyfriend can definitely be called a Midlife Crisis in my book.

Luckily, I’m on the back end now.   If my health holds out I think I can pull myself out of this hole I dug.

As I write this I’m still unemployed, living with mom and perimenopausal. But he’s gone and I have a plan I’m hoping to share here.

Thank you Substack

Just by chance I happened upon Substack. I had heard of it before yet thought it was yet another online platform that would waste my time. After looking around, subscribing and following some amazing people, I realize Substack is AMAZING!

For the first time in at least a decade I once again feel like part of an online community! Like the old blogging days before social media existed are right here!

Come with me on this journey of learning to be Allie at 52 and beyond.  

Follow me here on Substack for my personal thoughts and journey. 

Read my blog AllieRambles, for older hiker, travel and midlife topics.

And check out my YouTube Channel.